


Hamildresden, Track Four: Summer Knight ("Pizza Lord")

by Rob Nobody (RobNobody)



Series: Hamildresden [4]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda, The Dresden Files - Jim Butcher
Genre: Book 4: Summer Knight, Canon compliant-ish, Fae & Fairies, Gen, Musicals, Pizza, Retelling, Song Parody, Werewolves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:53:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26726989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RobNobody/pseuds/Rob%20Nobody
Summary: Here comes the Generous!Part four of my inexplicable quest to adapt a different song fromHamiltonfor every book ofThe Dresden Files.
Series: Hamildresden [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1912114
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9





	Hamildresden, Track Four: Summer Knight ("Pizza Lord")

**Author's Note:**

> To the tune of "[Right Hand Man](https://genius.com/Christopher-jackson-lin-manuel-miranda-leslie-odom-jr-and-original-broadway-cast-of-hamilton-right-hand-man-lyrics)." Try it out with the [music](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z93_moIFUZk)!
> 
> This got a little more meta than I'd intended. Just imagine that Toot-toot talked Harry into letting him tell _his_ version of the story.

[COMPANY]  
A Knight's Mantle is gone and war is the answer  
Fighting a formal war would be disastrous

[ENSEMBLE 1/ _ENSEMBLE 2_ ]  
Fighting a formal war would be disastrous  
_Fighting a formal war would be disastrous_  
The Fairy Courts at war!  
_Fairy Courts at war!_  
Fairy Courts at war!  
_Fairy Courts at war!_  
The Fairy Courts at war!

[HARRY]  
As a long shot with Leanansidhe I bartered a bond  
I needed to be strong  
I needed it because I had to—

[HARRY/BILLY]  
Fight on!

[HARRY]  
Mab has bought that contract  
Now I have to solve the case, get the Fairy Courts back on track and—

[HARRY/BILLY]  
Fight on!

[HARRY]  
I will set all this right  
But there is this one sprite  
Who I'm going to invite to help us—

[HARRY/BILLY]  
Fight on!

[HARRY]  
Stand aside, if he sees you he may—

[HARRY/BILLY]  
Fight on! Fight on!

[HARRY]  
Here he comes!

[FAIRIES]  
Here comes the Generous!

[CAPTION FAIRY]  
Fairies and gentlefolk!

[FAIRIES]  
Here comes the Generous!

[LOO TENDER FAIRY]  
The moment we've been waiting for!

[FAIRIES]  
Here comes the Generous!

[STAR JUMP FAIRY]  
The pride of the Wee Folk!

[FAIRIES]  
Here comes the Generous!

[CORPSE ORAL FAIRY]  
It's Toot-toot, y'all!

[TOOT-TOOT & _FAIRIES_ ]  
We are not Called _(What?)_  
Not sold _(What?)_  
Not Warm and  
Not Cold _(Brr, brr, brr, brr, brr!)_  
Don't wanna be by Queens controlled—  
Hey wait, let's go 'n' eat that pizza whole!

[TOOT-TOOT]  
Harry!  
Now just you wait a second  
Or maybe twenty seconds  
Me and my guard ate all the pizza so will there be seconds?  
Now I'm the picture of a proper pixie general  
A decorated diminutive dewdropper whose friends are all  
Trying hard to stay out of the spectacle  
Fighting's not our imperative  
Ensnaring us in arrogance, embarrassin'  
And the Emissary now has come  
We don't want in ya war but we see the box of pizza so…

[FAIRIES]  
YUM!

[TOOT-TOOT]  
Both the Courts of the Sidhe are brawling  
And that's why y'all Calling and us small ones are  
Calling y'all appalling  
We are avoiding the mauling and the madness of millions  
Knight got killed but still

[TOOT-TOOT & _FAIRIES_ ]  
We are not Called _(What?)_  
Not sold _(What?)_  
Not Warm and  
Not Cold _(Brr, brr, brr, brr, brr!)_  
Don't wanna be by Queens controlled—  
Hey wait, let's go and eat that pizza whole!  
_(Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum!)_  
Extra cheese!

[HARRY]  
I peaceably give this pizza box, as encouragement

[BILLY]  
Ruff!

[HARRY]  
Not gonna cop you or rob you of your self-management

[BILLY]  
Ruff!

[HARRY]  
I've got a plan because damnable Mab commanded me  
Gamblin' on your outstanding men  
And, this one has sausage—

[TOOT-TOOT & _FAIRIES_ ]  
Then yum! _(Yum!)_

[TOOT-TOOT]  
Go the fairies, watch the sauce and cheese fly and…

[FAIRIES]  
Yum!

[TOOT-TOOT]  
Go the fairies, we're devourin' these pies and…

[FAIRIES]  
Yum!

[TOOT-TOOT]  
There's another piece and…

[FAIRIES]  
Yum!

[TOOT-TOOT]  
We're licking up all the grease and…

[FAIRIES]  
Yum!

[TOOT-TOOT]  
We'll help you find the Winter crew, and then the Summer Lady too  
Sprites and pixies do it up  
Try hard not to screw it up  
My fairies: remember, don't dismember, just chew it up  
Don't want no spewing up. Oh, and hey, Elidee  
You'll lead them to there with, uh, Fae melody  
And these are men with which you are to defund emeritus  
We fly in hindsight, Aladdin has… um... long lists  
I am running out of rhymes for things, Harry  
And it's hard to do these tongue twists…

[BILLY]  
You're doin' real good, Toot.

[TOOT-TOOT]  
Who is this?

[BILLY]  
Please don't shoot, Toot!  
Permission to join the team?

[TOOT-TOOT]  
Don't get cute

[BILLY]  
Toot  
I am a werewolf friend of Harry here, Will Borden, see?  
I'm with a group, the Alphas, we are friends who defend  
And well, accordingly  
I plan on us being of some assistance  
We'll protect you ev'ry second as you pixies  
Go the distance

[TOOT-TOOT]  
Hmm

[BILLY]  
You have this mission, you'll need a few additions to  
have your back among the fighting Fae

[TOOT-TOOT]  
Yeah?

[BILLY]  
Well—

[HARRY]  
Your generalness, I wouldn't mislead thee

[TOOT-TOOT]  
Harry, do you really trust this galoot?

[HARRY]  
Yes, Toot

[HARRY/BILLY]  
And we'll need help

[BILLY]  
As you can see now, Toot, time is pressing, the climax won't be very  
long now

[TOOT-TOOT]  
Scoot

[BILLY]  
Toot?

[TOOT-TOOT]  
You can exit the song now

[HARRY]  
Do you want to go on, Toot?

[TOOT-TOOT]  
Yes of course, Harry  
I looked up some things in this rhyming diction-ary  
More exposition is needed, can I have the chance?

[HARRY]  
Toot…

[TOOT-TOOT]  
Please my lord, may I relate the current circumstance?

[HARRY]  
Shoot.

[TOOT-TOOT]  
Here is the deal: Lady Aurora killed her Knight  
It seems the young Summer Lady hated the whole fight, right?  
Aurora turned a girl to stone for some odd reason…

[HARRY]  
To hide the Summer Mantle. You remember—

[TOOT-TOOT]  
Please don't interrupt

[HARRY]  
Go on…

[TOOT-TOOT]  
She is sure, to end the war, she has the answer:  
Sacrifice the girl and make a transfer  
It goes to Winter and the balance starts to teeter

[HARRY]  
Good!

[TOOT-TOOT]  
That is just crazy, my lord! How will we beat her?

[HARRY]  
That is where you all come in

[TOOT-TOOT]  
We're at your service  
And even though increasingly we're fervidly nervous  
We will all proudly join your doughty brigade  
But of course we prefer that pizza is paid. 'Kay?

[ALPHAS]  
They would do anything for a slice!  
They would do anything for a slice!  
Wow they are just really hungry, high-strung  
Magical junkies!

[HARRY]  
They would do anything for a slice!

[TOOT-TOOT]  
Sir!

[TOOT & COMPANY]  
We just want sauce, want cheese!

[HARRY]  
You'll have all the pizza you want  
Just get your friends. Pixies, brownies and  
All sprites and leprechauns, okay, what else?

[TOOT & COMPANY]  
Want sausage, yes please!

[HARRY]  
You will have knives as you all hide  
Some pure steel to fight with at your side

[HARRY, _FAIRIES_ & **ALPHAS** ]  
_Yum!_  
**Woof, woof, woof**  
We'll find the conflict far over the city light,  
we're cutting this tight,  
Gotta fix everything by midnight  
_Yummy-yum!_  
**Woof, woof, woof…**  
We'll fight through all the horror, and despite a nasty centaur  
**Woof, woof, woof…**  
We will fight straight to the border and stop Aurora. Toot!

[FAIRIES]  
Here comes the Generous!

[HARRY]  
Fight on!

[ALPHAS]  
What?

[FAIRIES]  
Here comes the Generous!

[HARRY]  
Fight on!

[ALPHAS]  
What?

[FAIRIES]  
Here comes the Generous!

[HARRY]  
Fight on!

[ALPHAS]  
What?

[FAIRIES]  
Here comes the Generous!

[HARRY]  
Now!

[TOOT-TOOT]  
For the Pizza Lord!

[FAIRIES]  
Yum!

**Author's Note:**

> I genuinely don't know which is funnier: the idea of Christopher Jackson playing Toot-toot, or this being sung by James Marsters with the voice he uses for Toot in the audiobooks.
> 
> And I gotta say, one of the most challenging things about writing these is coming up with something to replace the amazing storm of rhymes for "Burr" that always accompanies his name. I'd originally ended this shortly after Toot first breaks character, largely just to avoid having to deal with it. But after doing half a song for _Grave Peril_ , I just couldn't do that again, and it was only, uh, eighty-something more lines, right?


End file.
